costco’s ‘healthy’ foods nobody asked for

I just found myself wandering through Costco’s maze of aisles, led astray by the mythical promise of ‘healthy foods’. You know how they slap ‘organic’ or ‘natural’ on a package and charge an extra five bucks? Yeah, that’s the sweet siren song I fell for. The irony isn’t lost on me, trust me.

So there I was, ensnared somewhere between a tower of quinoa bags and a mountain of chia seed energy bars. Two kids hurling kale chips—kale chips, people!—while their parents, oblivious, debated the merits of avocado oil versus olive oil nearby. (Is there a difference? Do I care?) Anyway, this is when I spotted a familiar face, or a cardboard cutout at least, that kind of looked like health guru @BobbyParrish. His eyes seemed to say, ‘Trust me, this shelf is your ticket to longevity.’ Right, Bobby…

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Not going to lie, some of the selections were worthy of my cart—Greek yogurt that actually had a short ingredient list and some whole grain bread that wasn’t masquerading as a sugar bomb. Then again, there were those 32-ounce vats of syrupy ‘green juice’ (loaded with more sugar than I thought humanly possible) and protein shakes that probably tasted like chalk. Maybe that’s why Bobby was just a standee and not here in person.

This one aisle promised to overhaul my eating habits, but by cart’s end, my haul looked suspiciously like the snack aisle had a hostile takeover. And don’t get me started on the supplement section. Do I need organic wheatgrass powder or was it just the fluorescent lighting seducing my wallet? You’d think with all that vitamin D, the place would smell like a field of dreams. Nope, just unfulfilled New Year resolutions and broken health commitments.

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Prices are like mini-heart attacks, too. I mean, who pays $15 for almond butter unless it contains flecks of gold or something? But that didn’t stop a dozen carts from clunking by, stocked to the brim with overly-branded boxes and fruit-flavored nonsense. Makes you wonder if it’s the actual health benefits they’re after or just the trendy packaging…

Getting home, unloading all this healthiness, I couldn’t help but feel I’d just been hoodwinked in broad daylight. And in a twist no one saw coming, I’ve got six pounds of kale chips and a developing suspicion that I’m definitely spending more time on recipes that justify these purchases than I ever planned. My eyes still hurt. I need coffee. Ugh.