detox dread

Oh great, now I need to worry about heavy metals setting up camp in my body like they’re on some permanent vacation. Lead, mercury, and aluminum? What is this, a detox or a National Geographic documentary on industrial waste? We’re throwing around terms like zeolite and chlorella as if anyone really knows what they are. I’d trust root beer to cleanse more than that grassy-smelling sludge.

And people are eating cilantro for this? You mean the pigeon food garnish that tastes like soap for half the population? That’s supposed to save us from becoming human batteries full of metal gunk! Fantastic. Someone, pass the damn aluminum pie tins while you’re at it — let’s wear them as hats to fend off what’s left of our sanity. Seriously, why are we putting lead and mercury mentally right there in my kitchen?

But wait, let’s not forget the inevitable Herxheimer reaction… yeah, because feeling like you’re peeling away like an onion skin is part and parcel with modern trends. Detox rates are titrated just slowly enough so you can feel like controlled misery. Can’t wait to watch social media go wild with yet another viral cleanse that makes even kale drinks look appealing.

It’s not a lifestyle shift; it’s a circus of anxieties hawked by guides promising that every spoonful of green glop will magically peel away years of toxic exposure like some inspired course of nature-approved punishment. I’m done.