my love-hate relationship with keto

I’m knee-deep in this keto thing—again. Seriously, it’s one of those trends I keep bouncing in and out of, like that one friend who keeps attending the same concert tour every year. Anyway, before you roll your eyes, hear me out. The idea of eating bacon and still losing pounds makes keto this bizarrely tempting promise. But let’s not kid ourselves, eating cheese like it’s an Olympic sport can be, well, a bit much.

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So, this morning I went full keto warrior. I cracked open a few eggs and tossed in more butter than I’d ever admit outside of this post (my arteries are probably praying for me). Scrambled them up with an avocado on the side. There’s something about avocados—they’re either perfectly ripe or resemble rocks. No in-betweens, I swear.

By lunch, I was cruising on black coffee and a mix of lettuce, rotisserie chicken, and enough Caesar dressing to make a salad look like a greasy spa retreat. Honestly, who knew salads could be this miserable and satisfying at the same time? The whole thing worked out because while my taste buds were on hiatus, my stomach was distracted by the sheer amount of protein.

Now dinner, oh boy. Picture this: me, a lonely salmon filet, and a reluctant spiralizer wrestling with a zucchini. The end result looked like something out of a 2025 sci-fi trash cooking show, but it tasted good enough to make me question the meaning of carbs. There’s something therapeutic about grilling fish while contemplating life choices (or lack thereof).

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And snacks, how could I forget? Picture this: a pile of assorted nuts with that suspicious hint of sea salt which I probably went overboard with. It’s such a primal, caveman snack—it makes chewing oddly contemplative.

Honestly, this keto journey of 2024 feels like a ride through some bizarre carb-free dimension. It’s like I’ve wandered onto a planet where cauliflower is worshipped and sugar is illegal. A while back, I found a bonkers list of keto snack gadgets, which feels both cringey and hilarious.

Will I keep at it? Maybe. If you see a carb, send help. My eyes still hurt. I need coffee. Ugh.