who decided raw, paleo, and keto diets were good ideas?

I just walked into the grocery store and saw a shelf dedicated to all the nonsense that is raw, paleo, and keto foods. I mean, who really decided these were a good idea? Imagine living a hundred years ago, excitedly telling your caveman friend, ‘No thanks, I’ll pass on that mammoth steak. I’m all about raw nuts now.’ Good luck surviving on that.

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Honestly, I was scrolling through some food blogs, and I found this embarrassingly long recipe list that basically used almond flour and coconut everything. Why are we spending hours replacing perfectly normal ingredients with heart-shaped leaves and sad, sun-dried tomatoes? Admittedly, I tried a keto pizza once — turned out more like a cheese frisbee with a burnt almond tasting base. Never again.

The best ones are those raw vegetable noodles. Zoodles, they call them. I tried cooking them but ended up with a bowl of limp squash and regret. Maybe raw foodists have superpowers that help them digest uncooked pasta shapes, or maybe they just really love their spirals. Also, isn’t caveman dieting contradictory? You eat raw but reject synthetic materials and drive your SUV to the market. Wild.

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Then there’s the keto bacon phenomenon. People are stuffing their faces with cheese-wrapped bacon and claiming healthy weight loss. Sounds like a bacon party disaster, which is fine until your heart decides it’s had enough. My neighbor once made a ‘keto cauliflower bread,’ and after I tasted it, let’s just say the real reason we’re all gluten-free now is none of us want to try gluten replacement disasters like that again.

I can’t believe these diet trends have convinced people that this kale-eating hell is the path to happiness. My eyes still hurt from seeing the keto section grocery debate. I need coffee. Ugh.