navigating the vegetarian keto maze

Seriously, who decided that combining vegetarian and keto diets was a good idea? I mean, aren’t those two lifestyles already challenging enough on their own? So, right there, you’re immersing yourself in something like a dietary puzzle, minus the fun.

(Believe me, there’s no instant gratification here.)

Anyway, I got dragged into this whole scene during my last visit to that annoyingly trendy coffee shop. You know the type, with their exposed brick walls and those overpriced chai lattes. Overhearing a bunch of yoga enthusiasts passionately arguing about macros and avocados somehow convinced me to give it a whirl.

Halfway through my first week, and my fridge looked like a field of green zombies—a pile of kale, broccoli, and a bunch of tofu that, honestly, I still don’t know how to cook correctly. Let’s not even mention all the nuts. Nuts everywhere. They want us to live on peanuts and cheese apparently (if you eat cheese). Not gouda for the lactose-intolerant folks who try to nav keto’s already rocky road. Ha! See what I did there?

Things took an even weirder turn when I began meal planning. I put together some Frankenstein-ish combination of cauliflower pizza crust with spinach, all while desperately avoiding anything labeled ‘carb’. That’s where workouts come in because if there’s one thing this diet lacks, it’s energy. I found myself climbing stairs at an embarrassingly leisurely pace, praying no one from that stupid coffee shop saw me.

And the cravings? Let’s not even start on how chocolate and I had a moment. Couldn’t resist it. If anyone tells you the tastes ‘adjust’, it’s a lie to distract you.

I stumbled into an odd assortment of “recipes” that looked like a potluck nightmare (zoodles, eggplant bacon—yes, that’s real). But strangely, through the struggle, you kind of feel powerful knowing you can eat avocado in like 15 different ways. Who needs variety when you have creatively cut carbs?

Anyway, if you see me talking to a block of swirly tofu in the tofu aisle, just… don’t.

My quest through this vegetarian keto nonsense still continues. Meanwhile, I’ll be here snacking on almonds. Ugh.