keto bbq rub: my scorching tale of dry spices

So, I was up to my elbows in paprika the other day. I’m talking red fingernails and a dusting all over my clumsy attempts at being a gourmet chef. Anyway, there’s this ongoing quest of mine to find the perfect keto BBQ rub that doesn’t taste like, well, regret on a plate.

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No joke, I’m standing there trying to calculate the exact grams of brown sugar substitute like I’m some kind of spice scientist (yeah, right). It’s supposed to bring just a hint of sweetness without the crash. Low carb doesn’t mean low spirit after all. But the zero-calorie sweetener alley is a wild jungle of failed products and, honestly, too many options. You ever tried to decide between erythritol and monk fruit? It’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure book gone wrong.

Anyway, fast forward, I’ve got a pinch of cayenne, a grind of black pepper that made me sneeze four times in a row (why is it always four?), and a sprinkle of smoked paprika—a must, apparently, in anything labeled BBQ. It’s more of a scavenger hunt than a recipe, if I’m being honest. My kitchen cabinet now looks like a spice shop’s fever dream.

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But when it finally came together? Oh man. My taste-test subjects (AKA family) were borderline impressed. Even my hardcore non-keto brother admitted it had ‘some potential,’ which is high praise coming from someone who thinks ‘keto’ is Klingon for ‘tasteless’. Although in the right moment between bites, I swear he considered not being married to starches.

Was it the magical keto rub that transformed my sad little chicken thighs into a backyard barbecue story worth bragging about? Maybe. Or maybe I just got better at pretending I know what I’m doing. My eyes still hurt from those pepper attacks. On another note, there’s a whole section on fasting and diets that somehow seems related (or not), I never really trust those things. I need coffee. Ugh.